Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Waging war with myself

"Still you held your arms open for the prodigal daughter. I see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes. Still water."

I'm feeling pretty sick right now. I had plans to meet two friends for dinner and I just forgot.

They called me from the restaurant when I was 30 minutes late.

I could make excuses - exhausting weekend, driving 300 miles home late at night, yada yada - but the fact is, I was sitting at home in my jammies, when I was supposed to be there and could have been there if I'd remembered.

The restaurant is at least a 30-minute drive away and it was raining and cold. I wanted to get dressed and go meet them for dessert (I had already eaten dinner) but my friend told me it was raining really hard downtown and to stay home.

The very worst part is, this happened to me once before with the same two friends. I love these women, they are two of my oldest friends.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm so angry at myself.

I need to figure out how to have my iPhone send me reminders. And get in the habit of setting it up to do that. I've never been good about using planners, but it's time to start.

My friend actually sent a reminder over the weekend when I was away. It immediately got buried in my inbox. She said she wondered why I didn't confirm. But it wasn't her responsibility to call me.

I know in a day or two it won't seem so terrible. I know my friends will forgive me (I hope).

I'm over-scheduled and I have some heavy things weighing on me right now. I realized on the drive home from Keller that I am dealing with depression about my daughter's situation. She's handling it, I'm hurting for her.

We did have a nice weekend, Chelsea came up from Austin, and for once everyone got along and there wasn't tension over something or other. But my heart hurts for Kandace. She loved Jason, she didn't deserve to have her dream crushed. She has so much responsibility, between the baby, the house, the dogs, her job.

I worry. I worry about her diet. I worry about what she is feeding the baby. Too much sugar, not enough protein or calcium or vegetables or fruits. I worry about her being alone and the message she has been getting from men that the baby is a deal-breaker.

I worry that I'm worrying too much, since it doesn't accomplish anything anyway.

All this had been floating around in my mind all day. I really self-sabotaged by forgetting the thing that would have helped me most, being with friends who care, taking my mind off myself and my worries.

At the moment, I almost wished I drank because I'd have poured myself something stiff. But I doubt there's even any cooking sherry in the house.

It doesn't help my mood that the weather continues to be cold and gray and damp. Tomorrow I must work on the team beads. I have photo homework for my photography class Thursday and there just isn't that much to shoot indoors.

I'm still immersed in my study of The Advent of the Atom Bomb. This week's "atomic" film is called The 6th Marine Division on Okinawa. It's a 1945 Kodachrome color documentary film about the Battle of Okinawa. The battle raged from April 1 through the middle of June, 1945. The film quality is aged, grainy and almost colorless.

I watched the film walking on the treadmill. It's another illustration of the barbarity of line combat and the enormous numbers of deaths and injuries for both teams. According to Wikipedia, he battle resulted in the highest number of casualties in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Mainland Japan lost 77,166 soldiers. The Allies suffered 14,009 deaths and an estimated total of more than 65,000 casualties of all kinds. Additionally, almost 150,000 civilians died.

A monument in Okinawa bears more than 240,00 names - Okinawan civilians, Imperial Japanese soldiers, troops from the U.S., South Korea, the UK, North Korea, and Taiwan - who died at Okinawa in World War II.

The atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki caused Japan to surrender less than two months after the end of the Battle at Okinawa.

That makes me sad. More waste of lives.

And it's rather astonishing to me that U.S. Marine combat photographers were out there, recording the military action right as it was happening.

In our course, we are simultaneously studying the history and politics of WWII, and the scientific theories and experiments that led to nuclear fission. At this point they are strangely disconnected for me. This week's discussion is about whether or not the war in the Pacific Theater "as we know it" could have been prevented?

For once, I don't have a ready answer.

I'm still feeling shitty about forgetting dinner with my friends, but what's done is done. Both of them have reassured me that I haven't wrecked our friendship. I've not quite forgiven myself yet, but I also know I need to stop flagellating myself. It serves no purpose. I'm human. I will do better. I will screw up again. With someone, sometime, But come high water or hell, I won't let these friends down again.

And despite my worries about my daughter and grandson, we really did have a nice weekend. Facebook knows.

I don't feel a day older.

The cake was really good though.

What was in that cake???

Photo-bombing a selfie times two.

And unlikely as it seems, we wound up the day's fun with dinner at a trendy upscale restaurant in an operating Conoco-branded station called Chef Point Cafe.

Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out.

"You and me of the 10,000 wars
Dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores
A bed to be made and a bed to lie in
A hand in the darker side and our sights set on Zion

The heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child
Put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
Pour the cement for my feet
The heart and the mind on a parallel course
Never the two shall meet

And oh, the dissatisfied with the satisfied
Everybody loves a melodrama
And the scandal of a lie

Still you held your arms open for the prodigal daughter
I see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes
Still water

Try making one and one make one
Twist the shapes until everything comes undone
Watch the wizard behind the curtain
The larger than life and the power of seeming certain

The evil ego and the vice of pride
Is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides
I wanted everything to feed me
About as full as I got was of myself
In the upper echelons of mediocrity

After the battles and we're still around
Everything once up in the air has settled down
Sweep the ashes, let the silence find us
A moment of peace is worth every war behind us

You and me of the 10,000 wars."

(Amy Ray, Emily Saliers)

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Thanks for your comment! I will post it as soon as I receive it. Liz